My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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