After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
