I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
