The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize