update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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