Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
