Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
