I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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