I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were trust falling into bushes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
