I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I hate all girls vehemently.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
