worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
