I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
