Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
