Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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