omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize