Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
