I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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