Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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