At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
