I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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