I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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