So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
