I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize