i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
