Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize