He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He shit in the fireplace
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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