I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
