Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
