i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
