I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
