he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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