I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
