Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
