I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
