i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
