You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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