if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize