just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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