I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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