forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
