I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
