Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
