Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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