so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
