I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
