I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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