Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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