I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
