im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My liver just broke up with me...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
