I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there is glitter all over my balls
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