after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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