My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
