Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my phone needs a breathalizer
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
