guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
