They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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