woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
