Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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