you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
