I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
