saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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