my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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