two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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