Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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