Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
