Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry about my life...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
