She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
