you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
